Maintaining the calm during the holidays

Although the holidays are supposed to be filled with love, family time and joy, this time of year can be very challenging for couples on the verge of separating. It’s a well-known fact that more separations happen in January than any other month of the year. Since it’s rare that the decision to separate is made on the spur of the moment, this means most couples who separate in the new year are just hanging on until the holidays are over. Many couples with children express that they want to wait until after the holidays before separating in order to protect their children. Christmas is supposed to be a festive time and they don’t want to ruin it for their kids. This is certainly a personal decision that can make a lot of sense, but sometimes just ‘knowing’ this decision can be challenging as you look to survive this busy period of being ‘together’.

How to give the gift of ‘hanging in there’, while you are hanging on

Safety first: You should make sure there are no concerns around safety, the possibility of violence or intense conflict. If you have these concerns – then you should seek professional help immediately.

Know your limits: Knowing that you are both putting on a false front, limiting your engagements might be a good idea. Sit down with your spouse and look at all of your obligations/commitments. Maybe this is the year to cut back on some of the extra visits and parties. With everyone putting on a shield to ‘pretend’, recognize that you may only have so much energy in your shield to face relatives. Give yourselves permission not to attend some events.

To tell or not tell: So should you tell the children? While this is an individual choice for parents to make together, most parents tell us that they don’t want to spoil the holidays for the kids. Their concern is that the kids will forever remember the separation and associate it with the holiday season. It’s ok to postpone telling the kids until the time is right. Seek professional help from a counselor or divorce mediator in order to ensure you use the right language when telling the kids. There are quite a number of books and recommended readings for parents facing separation.

Curtail the urge to over spend: Sit down with and take a hard look at your finances. It is tempting to over indulge the kids out of a feeling of guilt. But if you are carrying credit card and line of credit balances, now is not the time to add more debt. Financial changes are on the horizon; so it’s key to keep the spending within affordable limits. Be creative with gift giving. Remember that children are more likely to appreciate honesty. “I don’t think we are going to be able to swing it this year”.

Make time off the gift of ‘presence’: You’re about to spend 4 or 5 days off work – together. Try to plan child-focused activities. Let’s face it – if you know this is going to be the last Christmas together, you can approach that with a sense of dread, or make the most of it with a positive attitude. Giving your children the gift of your time, whether it’s tobogganing, skating, games will create some positive, long lasting memories.

No fight zone: If you’ve already decided to wait until next month, make a pact NOT to talk about it during the holidays. Limbo is the most difficult part of change and most people want to ease this pain by digging into the research, the planning and the financial calculating of what will happen next. Since you are not going to be able to actually solve any of these problems during the holidays, agree that you won’t talk about the house, the finances, the children’s parenting schedule until the new year. You certainly don’t want your kids to remember this Christmas as the year mom and dad were fighting all the time.

Peace of mind: Preparing is good, we all want certainty about our future. But stressful emotions can cloud our ability to think clearly. And it can get worse by working with the wrong information or hearsay. So here’s an idea. Give yourself an early Christmas present by seeking professional help and guidance from a divorce mediation coach on the pending financial and parenting questions, to help you and your family with a smooth transition through this difficult time.

For couples contemplating a separation, the holidays can be a very difficult time. ‘Faking it’ can be difficult, but if you’ve decided it’s best to wait, you can make it through. Knowing in your heart that you did your best for your children is a good spot to be in. And a great place to find peace and joy this season.

Peace

Divorce is Not a Four-Letter Word

We’ve all done it at one point or another. Standing at the cocktail party, or the water cooler at the office, talking about whose relationship has ended. And then the speculation of how, why, and was there another person involved. Somehow maybe it makes us feel safer in our own relationships if we can package up the ‘why’ of someone else’s relationship ending. Since that could never happen to us, we feel safer when we can find a ‘cause’. Maybe if the cause of divorce can’t be found, then it might just happen to us?

But with divorce rates now ranging from 35-40% across Canada (higher if you count common-law breakups), how can something that is now fairly common and accepted, still leave people feeling ashamed and embarrassed? Why does it still carry with it a stigma of failure?

Let’s face it – no one gets married thinking it won’t last. Everyone has the intention of spending the rest of their lives with the person they chose to marry. But sometimes things change, people change, circumstances happen and people grow apart. Who are we to cast judgment on others? Can’t it just be ‘what is’, without judgment, blame or shame?

Does divorce have to be ‘bad’?  As long as we perceive divorce in a negative light, people will likely continue to lay blame on who, what or how the relationship ended. And as long as we are in the business of blaming, how can people move through this event with dignity and grace?

When you stop and think about it; divorce touches most people’s lives in one way or another. Whether it’s a personal experience, a colleague, family member or neighbour, everyone knows someone who has gone through or who is going through divorce. It’s become pretty common in our society, so maybe it’s time we started to change the way we think and feel about divorce.

Let’s redefine divorce as an event, albeit difficult and at times very sad; but still, just an event that happens – period.  By removing the labels, people might be able to get through divorce a little easier, with a little more dignity.  If we eliminate the blame game, maybe people could move through it in a pragmatic way and focus on building a more positive future. And children wouldn’t feel so different or ashamed.

Let’s not let divorce define us, or our loved ones. D-i-v-o-r-c-e – it’s 7 letters. Just like R-e-s-p-e-c-t and D-i-g-n-i-t-y

Peace

The truth about divorce is, we’re right

We’ve all heard or likely said it before: ‘if only they would see things my way’, or ‘of course I’m right, it’s the truth’.

Ask two people who attended the same concert to tell you what they thought, and they will very well tell you two very different versions of the same event. How can that be? Does a person’s perceptions influence their concept of what is ‘truth’?

Can there really be only ONE single truth when it comes to the breakdown of a relationship?

If our ‘truth’ is shaped by our perceptions and how we experience events in our lives, then clearly the answer is no. Each person brings with them their history, their story, fears, hopes, ideas, expectations and opinions on how things should be.

So if there is no one single truth when it comes to relationships, maybe we could put an end to the conflict that often accompanies divorce. What if we could just accept that each person has his/her own ‘truth’ about how/what happened during the relationship? By accepting the end as something that happens, without fault or blame, people may be able to move through this difficult time with less pain and heartache.

Imagine seeing divorce as an opportunity and not a failure. Or a new beginning, rather than just an end. What if it was an opportunity to grow and to learn about one’s self?

In talking with people these past few months– I have often heard things like: “there’s no point in getting mad”; “I worry about him being able to take care of himself”; and “just because our relationship ended doesn’t mean I don’t care about her”. One couple, weeks away from separating their lives, were walking out of my office talking about what they were going to have for dinner that night!

I am constantly amazed at how caring and appreciative some people are about each other and how they wish to protect one another. These people really ‘get it’.

It is possible to honour the history that our partner played in our lives by allowing two truths to be in the same place. Just because you allow someone’s truth to exist, doesn’t mean you have to agree to it or understand it. Just accept it as their truth.

In her book “The Triangle of Truth” Lisa Earle McLeod writes, “we are usually trying to pretend we’re perfect or we’re beating ourselves up because we’re not. We’re either trying to prove we are right, or we are terrified that we are wrong.” Maybe that’s why we cling so strongly to ‘our truth’. We are afraid that if we allow someone else’s truth to exist, that somehow that will minimize our story.

Let go, let truths exist.

Divorce is not a Four Letter Word

 

We’ve all done it at one point or another. Standing at the cocktail party, or the water machine at the office, talking about who’s relationship has ended. And then the speculation of how, why, and was there another person involved. Somehow maybe it makes us feel safer in our own relationships if we can package up the ‘why’ of someone else’s relationship ending. Since that could never happen to us, we feel safer when we can find a ‘cause’. Maybe if the cause of divorce can’t be found, then it might just happen to us?

But with divorce rates now ranging from 35-40% across Canada (higher if you count common-law breakups), how can something that is now fairly common and accepted, still leave people feeling ashamed and embarrassed? Why does it still carry with it a stigma of failure?

Let’s face it – no one gets married thinking it won’t last. Everyone has the intention of spending the rest of their lives with the person they chose to marry. But sometimes things change, people change, circumstances happen and people grow apart. Who are we to cast judgment on others? Can’t it just be ‘what is’, without judgment, blame or shame?

Does divorce have to be ‘bad’? As long as we perceive divorce in a negative light, people will likely continue to lay blame on who, what or how the relationship ended. And as long as we are in the business of blaming, how can people move through this event with dignity and grace?

When you stop and think about it; divorce touches most people’s lives in one-way or another. Whether it’s a personal experience, a colleague, family member or neighbour, everyone knows someone who has gone through or who is going through divorce. It’s become pretty common in our society, so maybe it’s time we started to change the way we think and feel about divorce.

Let’s redefine divorce as an event, albeit difficult and at times very sad; but still, just an event that happens – period. By removing the labels, people might be able to get through divorce a little easier, with a little more dignity. If we eliminate the blame game, maybe people could move through in a pragmatic way and focus on building a more positive future. And children wouldn’t feel so different or ashamed.

Let’s not let divorce define us, or our loved ones. D-i-v-o-r-c-e – it’s 7 letters. Just like R-e-s-p-e-c-t and D-i-g-n-i-t-y.

Peace

Colette